A satirical guide on how to get the best out of SE Asia

This is a satirical and facetious guide on how to get the best out of your visit to South East Asia.

It’s an area so diverse in culture, food, language, climate & nature… and we fell madly, deeply in love with many aspects of it.  We can’t wait to explore SE Asia again but we noticed a few… sigh…well let’s call them oddities, about a large number of tourists there.

Here’s how to get the best out of South East Asia!

Please remember this is satirical!

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Ignore your tour guide

What the hell does you local tour guide know anyway, right! If s/he gives you advice, just ignore it.  You know best! This especially applies to cultural trips where you might offend the locals.

Don’t bother asking the guides questions because they’ll probably lie about the answer or if they do answer make sure to disbelieve them and tell them why.

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Take more selfies

The world needs to see how freakin’ gorgeous you are. RIGHT!? So stop for a selfie everywhere, pout like a duck and spend a lot of time on social media. It’s good for your self importance and everyone needs more of that.

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Customs are there to be broken right!?

We all know traditions are old fashioned and religion is a load of nonsense so what better way to show the locals than by being disrespectful.  Talk loudly through ceremonies and walk where you want to.  This will ensure that they understand how silly they are.

Definitely put your dirty feet on chairs, walk on the forbidden stones, wear a backless dress to a temple, laugh when they ask you to shush… it’s all good baby!

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A satirical guide to SE Asia

Complain it’s not American enough

You must do this is an a very loud voice because of course those pesky Asians need to know how terrible their food is. Once you’ve shouted about how un-American the food is, you should then buy your corn-dog and proclaim that it’s about the only American thing you’re going to be able to buy there.

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A satirical guide to SE Asia

And on the subject of food

If you’re visiting with children definitely tell them how unsafe the local food is and feed them french fries, crisps and barbecued meat. It’s always best to drink coca-cola too because that’s way safer than bottled water.

Only buy fresh food from the supermarket. This way each of your apples will be individually wrapped in plastic however to be on the safe side, you should buy a bottle of water and wash each one with the bottled water.

Street food should be sneered at and if by chance you happen to sit down somewhere public, best to wipe it with one of your germ busting wet wipes.

Stock up on hand gel

We all know how very efficient hand sanitiser is so best to stock up before you leave home. Take it everywhere with you and rub it on after every encounter.  The more you rub the healthier you’ll be.

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A satirical guide to SE Asia

Spray on sun lotion

Sun lotion is so very effective with its parabens and benzoates so why not just spray it on. Yes, definitely get a spray on sun lotion because everyone standing near you should get some too. In their mouths, on their skin.. wooahh the more the merrier.

Within seconds of spraying it on you should get in the ocean or pool.  Marine life isn’t at all effected by sun lotion and it’s totally harmless if anybody or anything ingests it.

SPRAY.IT.ON!

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A satirical guide to SE Asia

Vitamin D? Urgh, shudder

The sun is SO dangerous and vitamin D is very unnecessary, make sure to cover yourself head to foot in what look like 1980’s ankle warmers and then just to be on the safe side wear your hat with a towel under it AND THEN take your large golfing umbrella with you too.

Don’t worry about poking people with it because they’ll move out of your way.

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Get very drunk

Everybody loves a drunk tourist, so it’s really in your best interests to get very drunk and behave in an obnoxious or aggressive way. You should especially try to pick fights and brawl in the street. This will make you look super cool and totally add to your coolness value.

Definitely go to a full moon party. There’s are so authentic in experience you’ll be oozing Asianness. They’re especially good for the environment, the ocean needs more trash and the wild life shouldn’t be there anyway.

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Drop trash

South East Asia is so full of trash a little bit more won’t hurt. Don’t worry about looking for a bin, just drop it and leave it.

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A satirical guide to SE Asia

Behave like an entitled prick

If you’re a man, you must behave like an entitled prick. This will endear you to the local ladies. If you grab at them or try to entice them over with your boorish behaviour they’re sure to love you. Just to be on the safe side you should practise some insults now so as to perfect your coarse and insulting language. I’m pretty sure that Asian women love being shouted at. It shows them who’s in charge.

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Don’t learn any of the language

What is the point of learning the local language when English is the universal language? It makes no sense and besides, they all speak English. It won’t add anything to your knowledge base as you’ll never speak it again so just speak English, loudly.

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A satirical guide to SE Asia

Who cares about the wars!?

The wars were donkeys years ago and who seriously cares! All that stuff is in the past and besides what relevance is it to you!? None right.

War memorials are B-O-R-I-N-G and agent orange is so YESTERDAY! The Khmer who?

Those people with horrific disabilities should be grateful they’re alive. If you’re taken to a disability work project you should definitely just walk right through and ignore them all. Don’t buy any of that tat they’re selling either, it just won’t fit in your suitcase.

Suitcases are made big

Matching suitcases show a couple’s standing in society. It’s also important to have super large cases so your belongings don’t get too crushed.

Of course you’ll need 30 outfits, 5 pairs of shoes and more make up than Rimmel could ever sell.

Bring a lot of hand luggage too. You never know when you’ll need all that stuff. Two weeks is a LONG time to come on holiday and you should definitely not pack light and prepare for any eventuality.

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Drop money on the floor

All those 0’s in theirs currencies. You’re a millionaire baby! You can afford to throw a few away and drop them on the floor. Stamp on them too for good measure. Make sure the local peeps see you doing this, they will surely respect you more. They love nothing more than rich white people flaunting their wealth.

Haggle over very small amounts

Your Cyclo driver doesn’t need the money, he’s actually there just to rip you off.  We all know he lives in a six bathroom mansion and only works three months of the year.

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Never buy roadside stuff

Those people have a choice and they choose to be there, deliberately polluting themselves and endangering their lives. They definitely don’t need your money so ignore the peanuts, rice, drinks or flowers they’re selling and don’t even give them a second glance. They should know they’re scum.

Thank you and Photo Credit to Nofar Ronen who blogs at www.trvbox.com. Click photo to take a look at her site.

Do not tip. EVER

Tipping is for loaded shmucks.

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Stay in luxury and definitely get that ocean-side pool

Everybody knows the ocean is dirty and dangerous and that pools are super clean and hygienic. Rainy season lasts for at least three months a year so topping up the pool in areas where running water is still scarce should be easy.

You should absolutely hire that foreign owned, luxurious villa that costs more per night than a local monthly salary. It comes with a local maid who can clear up all your shit and that’s trickle down economy which is supportive.

After all the research you did on good hashtags to use, definitely take more selfies here than is healthy. Take photos of your breakfast, snap you sat in the infinity pool overlooking the ocean, the flowers you’ve dropped in your bath, sit in the window and pretend to admire the view – anything to boost your IG rankings.

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Play golf

Playing golf is the best way to relax and enjoy your holiday. Those pristine courses definitely do not need up to 1,000,000 gallons / 3,785 m3  of water per week.

If you’re worried about financially exploiting a developing country you could hire a local caddy but the golf carts are way more fun.

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Exploit animals 101

Animals are such dumb creatures.

Make people back home jealous by riding the shackled elephant, make the quivering sugar glider pose on your hand, wrap that snake around your neck and pretend to throw the slow loris in the air.

You’re a winner!

Satirical

A satirical guide to SE Asia. WE HATE ANIMAL ABUSE!

BEG!

If you run out of money whilst on your travels, the first thing to do is beg. Blag a box from a street family, cut it up and make a sign telling people you’re broke. Busking might work too but it requires more effort.

Satirical.

A satirical guide to South East Asia…

What did you think? Did I hit the nail on the head? Did I miss something?

Let me know over on Instagram or Facebook.

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